Inside Doug's Head

Poor Choices

Doug Godsoe

March 27, 2022

As a practical matter, I have decided to allow my facial hair to wildly overgrow, completely covering the hole that is my mouth. It will serve the same function for me as baleen does for a whale. Yes, just as a whale uses its baleen to filter trapped krill from the ocean water, I will use my overgrown moustache to filter gnats and moths from the park air. When I get hungry, I can lick the proteins from my hairs, and like ramen in a cup, I will have an instant meal. I might even incorporate some sort of sticky poisonous wax to improve the killing power of my moustache.

Wait, though. Not certain, but I am pretty sure I won’t enjoy eating gnats and moths. I should rethink this plan of mine; it seemed like a good idea at the time.

—DG

Invading Ukraine

Doug Godsoe

no comments

February 24, 2022

Wow! Apple won’t even try to autocomplete Ukraine. Seriously, try typing it on your iPhone. Ukulele. Ukraine. Ukulele. Censorship exists in many forms. Horse shirt! Oll Korrect!

Flossing

Doug Godsoe

no comments

February 10, 2022

At a recent visit to the dentist for my decennial checkup, he asked me how often I flossed. “You mean that stupid kid’s dance with the flappy arm thing? Never, I never do that, ever.”

Shame set in immediately, for certainly it was a lie. Sometimes I do a little floss, especially if I have been drinking, which is often, or riding on the bus, which is rarely. For the dentist, take him for all in all, the answer should have been, “Occasionally.”

He made a sad face as he proceeded to explain to me what he meant by flossing, running little bits of waxed ligature between your teeth for the purposes of avoiding a lecture from your dentist.

A Not Too Bad Idea

Doug Godsoe

no comments

February 3, 2022

We should teach deaf people how to read braille so that they can become pen pals with blind people. Likewise, maybe we can teach blind people how to yell really loudly so they can “talk” to deaf people.

I’m not sure that those two concepts are exactly compatible with each other. Someone sends you a letter wishing you a happy birthday, and you respond by screaming, “THANKS!” at them.

If their deaf friend is a really long ways away, they could call them and yell into the phone. Do deaf people have phones? How do they know when their phone is ringing? Do they answer it every few minutes just in case someone is calling them? What if they answer and it’s their blind friend calling to wish them a happy birthday, but they don’t understand braille because they never learned it at their deaf school?

The trouble with the world today is communication. Too much communication.

—DG

Bees and Cream Cheese

Doug Godsoe

no comments

January 25, 2022

Have you ever woken up at 4:08am with an empty bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a beard full of jam and cream cheese in the other? Not actually two hands, but two perplexing things to deal with at the same time—like a fistful of peanut butter and a swarm of enraged bees circling overhead. The more you swat, the angrier and more coated in peanut butter the bees and things get.