Inside Doug's Head

Do it Yourself Liposuction

Doug Godsoe

May 4, 2019

Liposuction: it means fat sucking. DIY liposuction involves using the turkey baster attachment on your vacuum cleaner to extract the fat from your waist and thighs. No exercise required. The only easier way for me to lose 20 pounds of ugly fat would be to cut off my head.

Instead of Fight Clubbing the sucked out goo into soap, I would probably turn it into refined lard. Then I could use it in pies and pancakes, as a form of ultimate recycling. Lose weight while eating pie.

Oooh. Now I really want pancakes. The Korean kind, where you whip the egg whites and fold them into the batter to make it extra fluffy. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Pancakes fried in lard. Human lard. All natural human lard. And pancakes. I am going to need a new vacuum cleaner.

—DG.

Exercise

Doug Godsoe

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April 27, 2019

Although I have grudgingly accepted the fact that at least some amount of exercise is inevitably in my future, the conundrum of how best to get it remains. Doing anything resembling a sport is, for obvious reasons, definitely out. A few years ago, before I became completely doughy, I had worked up to running five miles a day. Unfortunately, I had to stop, though, because the cost of taking an Uber to get home was starting to be significant. Besides, it’s really hard to keep the whiskey from sloshing out of a crystal glass when I run, and I refuse to drink good liquor out of a sippy cup.

Diet and Exercise

Doug Godsoe

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April 24, 2019

Uggh. Sometimes, life’s little realities can be difficult to accept. I am very much a fan of the sedentary lifestyle; however, it does have its drawbacks. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting abandoning it, for it has served me well. No, I am aware of too many anecdotes of athletic types in their 20s and 30s who are already on their second or third hip, knee, or shoulder surgeries as a result of mishaps from their sporting misadventures. Such injuries also come along with lengthy recovery and physiotherapy timelines that make a sedentary life a wiser choice. Notwithstanding a heart attack in 2013 that required the installation of four stents, which was totally unrelated to lifestyle choices, the sedentary life has never done me any harm.

Nose Rings

Doug Godsoe

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April 23, 2019

A few million years ago, the people of planet earth figured out that if they jabbed a ring through the nose of an angry 2400 pound animal, they could make it do their bidding by tying a rope through the ring and pulling really hard. Even after all these years, Bill Clinton is still trying to work out a similar system for Hillary.

Artificial Intelligence

Doug Godsoe

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April 15, 2019

Wow! I am so dumb! I only just now figured out that the initialism ‘AI’ stands for artificial intelligence, which is a topic where some computers, and apparently a lot of people, pretend like they are smart. I thought it meant artificial insemination, and I couldn’t figure out why more people were not upset about the blatant perversions of nature that were obviously taking place. Continue reading