Lately, I have been really trying hard to come up with some ideas for renewable energy sources. Fossil fuels are great and everything, and I am sure we will never run out of them, but they are kind of messy when they come in to contact with anything that is not made out of soap. Maybe it would be best if we left them in the ground and pursued other options for powering the machinery of the industrialized world.
OK, I will admit that my abnormal and underdeveloped brain is confounded by a great many simple things. I can never remember which side of the sink the hot water tap is on, the inner workings of a doorknob mystify me, and I am always surprised when actors appear in new movies after they are killed off in a previous one. Today, I have been giving deep thoughts to expressions that confuse me, along with a bunch of other nonsensical questions that have been taking up space in my head. Let me begin with, thinking outside of the box.
With great regularity I see articles published in student newspapers written by some idiot pretending to offer the next generation of college job seekers a leg up on their competition with a list of little known tips for mastering the job interview. These lists are ladened with gems and nuggets of employment seeking wisdom such as, dress appropriately, and look them in the eye when you shake their hand. To which, I would add, don’t stink, brush your teeth, take the aluminum foil off your head, and try not to throw poop at the interviewer. Unless you are interviewing with a deep sea salvage operation, leave your scuba gear at home. Duh? What people really need are the ten interview tips that don’t include the obvious social atrocities.
True story. I was at a social thing one time recently where I was introduced to a new faculty member. He said his name is Ian. (When you are telling an anecdote in the past tense, would you say, he said his name was Ian, or is Ian? I get confused on this point, because although the story is told in the past tense, which would suggest was, his name is still Ian in the present. Or, is it?) So, for quite some time I carried on a conversation with Ian. “Hey, Ian, what are things like in your department? Do you guys have things, Ian? We have a lot of things, Ian, but most of them are old and out of date.” People like hearing their name repeated frequently while in conversation, because it makes them feel that they are important to you, and it helps to reinforce the connection you are trying to make with them.
I used to think that you had to be at least a tiny bit smart to be able write a movie, but clearly that is not the case. Judging from the crap I see on Netflix (my theme for this month), I am amazed that movie writers are able to feed themselves. When I say feed themselves, I am not speaking metaphorically for a minimal economic success; I mean literally. They must be so stupid that it is remarkable that they can raise a fork to their face and cram a wad of mashed potatoes into their talking hole without stabbing themselves in the eye. I expect that eventually all the dumb ones would starve to death, and what will be left are only the ‘A’ writers and the great screenplays they write. Some limousine-liberal must be taking pity on them and having their servants feed them, for the bad movie situation seems like it is not ending anytime soon. You see? This is what happens when we interfere with nature. Please do not feed the typing monkeys!
Inside Doug's Head 